I think everybody should like everybody… and not call each other names like waffle-face. Besides, waffles are delicious, so joke’s on you.
The world needs more pie… It could also use more jobs. Ya, jobs and pie. That’ll fix everything.
You can do anything you put your mind to… You just have to find it first. I’d check under the couch.
If you won’t wish a friend a happy birthday on Facebook, then you probably shouldn’t be friends with that person… It was yesterday, Beth.
They say all the world’s a stage, but I don’t remember ever getting a script.
If this is the real world, I’m going back to sleep.
This world works in mysterious ways. That’s why I prefer to live on another planet.
Be yourself. Everyone else is taken and Bob smells like potatoes.
Seriously?! That dress makes me look fat…
If Train A leaves Boston at 6:30pm going 60mph and Train B leaves New York at 7:00pm going 80mph, and the cities are 219 miles apart, I just stole your wallet.
Eighty percent of success is showing up… The other half is in the details. (Woody Allen paraphrase).
4 out of 5 doctors recommend laughter as the best medicine… The 5th was trying to be funny.
Do unto others as you would have them undo your pants.
Can’t buy me love, but I’ll take a cheeseburger!
Living the dream can be frustrating sometimes.
I don’t like the idea of having to choose between heaven and hell… I have friends in both. (Mark Twain paraphrase).
If everyone would just spend 5 minutes a day sending positive thoughts into the world, that’s another 5 minutes I could spend going through all your stuff…
I believe everyone should just tell the truth… There’s a lot less to keep track of that way.
Diet and exercise only fail if instead of a protein shake you have a cheeseburger after you work out… Great, now I’m hungry.
Online dating didn’t work for me, so I’ve started dating offline. Minesweeper doesn’t talk back and Solitaire is a cheap date. Needless to say, things are getting serious.
Life’s a journey, not a destination. So pack a toothbrush. Don’t be that guy.
I believe in a world without hate, without war… and while we’re at it we can get rid of chunky peanut butter, too.
Whenever I notice I’m about to be the last one at a party, I jump out the window… Mainly because I wasn’t invited but showed up anyway.
Minor details become major problems when the minor detail is that you left my garage open and my pet marsupial slipped out the back. He responds to the name “Pluto” and likes oranges… Don’t make eye contact.
These are the days of miracle and wonder… and pancakes. (Paul Simon + pancakes)
Big Brother was watching you, but is now watching Jersey Shore.
One day, they’ll still be in charge. But we have more fun.
Mama said there’d be days like this… That’s why I always pack a poncho.
Tastes like fish… I’m trying to change it.
The times they are a-changin’… Unless you don’t wear a watch.
How did I get here?
Big Brother would watch you if you were worth watching.
I don’t feel the need to explain my art to you.
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. (Groucho Marx paraphrase).
I sometimes think about if we’re alone in the universe. Gazing at the stars, the infinite possibilities and all the great things we’re capable of… and then I realize I should really just get my TV fixed.
Curiosity killed the cat… Good thing I’m a chicken!
Out of sight, out of mind. But wouldn’t you mind not having sight?
They say time heals all wounds… I guess I should’ve invested in a better watch.
The only difference between truth and fiction is that fiction has to make sense… unless you’re a talking chicken.
Hard work and determination will only get you so far… It really helps to have a car.
Not all birds are angry.